So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
