i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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