i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
