smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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