im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
