even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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