Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
