I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Heβs tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. Heβs basically a chihuahua
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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