I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
organizing the empties. That sober.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
