Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
