if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
