its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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