if you like me you must not know who I am
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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