Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize