Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dignity is for republicans.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
