so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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