I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
