he wants to bone in the snuggie
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
