Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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