If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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