my sisters under your porch take her home
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
