Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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