True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
