Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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