I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
