She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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