So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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