The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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