she looked like the bat from fern gully.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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