He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
