I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
