I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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