I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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