Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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