It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
