Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
