Sponge bath it is.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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