then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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