stop calling my apartment porn island.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
