can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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