literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
