Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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