Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
