Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
