Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
