her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I could teleport
Yo dont text me then not text me
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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