I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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