i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
