your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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