I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
