I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
