Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
