How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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