Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
